My favorite (well, perhaps I mean most applicable) quote, from "The Great Sin"
In God you come up against something which is in every respect immeasurably superior to yourself. Unless you know God as that -- and, therefore, you know yourself as nothing in comparison -- you do not know God at all. As long as you are proud, you cannot know God. A proud man is always looking down on things and people: and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you. (pg 124)
This quote really struck me as something that really should be considered logical, even obvious, yet it was something I hadn't pondered before. I have a nasty habit of trying to do things myself. From a young age, I have gauged my self-worth by the extent of what I could do myself. It started out simply: I was always at least a year ahead of my class in elementary school (this was back in public school), for lack of challenge within my own grade level, and I began to believe that I was smarter than everyone else. I took pride in the fact that I was the only fourth grader in a sixth grade reading class, and while I did have a right to be proud of myself, I took that pride too far. I remember the drama I would get into in middle school, and I remember thinking that it wasn't my fault that someone stopped being my friend. In some cases, that was true, but as I look back on those years, I realize that it was my pride that chased the people I called my friends away. I realize that my prideful tendency caused me to treat people as underlings, constantly reminding them of their position below me, in order to remind myself that I was worth something. I would try to force my way of thinking on others, believing that I was always right and that they were always wrong, somehow. Yet I was never right, because I created an even bigger void than was previously there.
Even now I struggle with this. There have been times that I will get into an argument with someone, over even the minutest of subjects, and I will find myself looking for things about them that are lacking, looking for some way to justify myself above them, because I felt inadequate in that moment. This is where God found me a few years ago. Something He has been teaching me, and in the words of my mother, is that "your brother is your brother. Let him be your brother, because you are different, and not meant to compete with each other." When I read Lewis' quote, it made me think of the times that I have wondered where God is when I can't find anyone else. It made me realize that I was "looking down" at all the friends who wanted nothing to do with my pride issues instead of looking up at the one who could fix me. Someone bigger than my proud vices.
Pride is a major thing many struggle with, Rachel, so hopefully you can be encouraged in the fact that you are not alone! I know I have, even specifically with intellectual pride, like yourself. Thankfully, that past two years in school, watching others excel and challenge and develop further than me... Well, I've certainly been knocked down a few pegs, to say the least. It's good. It humbling. Like you said, the important thing is recognizing our faults and looking to God for help, guidance and His life-changing love. We've taken the first step, now we can allow God to fix us, if we are willing! Thanks for being so honest and real!
ReplyDeleteP.S. I deleted my previous comment because I wanted to edit what I said, because of the repetition of a same word in close proximity. So, yeah, that's what's up!
Pride is not an easy thing to admit, but you were courageous enough to do it. I love how you put that although you may think people underlings, they're not, they're just different. I think we all generally think of people who do random and unordinary things as underlings, or weirdos, but just because they are not like you doesn't mean they are underlings. I admire your courage Rachel and I would like to share a little advice about how I deal with pride. Don't strive to be better than someone else, instead strive to be better than yourself.
ReplyDelete"I realize that my prideful tendency caused me to treat people as underlings, constantly reminding them of their position below me, in order to remind myself that I was worth something." <-- This is so totally how it works! Desiring to feel assured of our own worth, we try to convince ourselves that others aren't as "good" (whatever that means) as we are. It's the cause of every middle-schooler's fight, and plenty of other fights as well.
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty Rachel-- and speaking of worth, do you know that yours is astronomical? The worth doesn't begin or end with what we do-- something I am constantly needing to remind myself. Our worth is enormous because He chooses to look on us and adore. And so, in finally looking up, we find what we were hoping to discover all along: immeasurable enough-ness, made possible by the Christ-life within us.
Great writing here, and again-- I so appreciate your candor!
15/15
"Pride is the greatest sin." This is what I got out of reading your personal statement. Pride however does not need to develop in your life and become like a monster.
ReplyDeleteI think it is amazing how you have come to grips with your pride. You know how they always say, "the first step to change is admitting you have a problem. Well Rachel you have in a great way just admitted you have a problem. However do not take this negatively. I am not "pointing" the finger and saying that you are the only bad person in our class. We all in some way, shape, or form have revealed our greatest problems to the class through our blogs.
This is why I loved your post up top so much. Because you have refused to hide behind a persona that a lot of us create for ourselves.
"Pride is the greatest sin." This is what I got out of reading your personal statement. Pride however does not need to develop in your life and become like a monster.
ReplyDeleteI think it is amazing how you have come to grips with your pride. You know how they always say, "the first step to change is admitting you have a problem. Well Rachel you have in a great way just admitted you have a problem. However do not take this negatively. I am not "pointing" the finger and saying that you are the only bad person in our class. We all in some way, shape, or form have revealed our greatest problems to the class through our blogs.
This is why I loved your post up top so much. Because you have refused to hide behind a persona that a lot of us create for ourselves.